Extracts from the adult novel 'My Secret Diaries'
and the RTE radio programme 'The Ligtness Tower
'Enjoy reading this extract from My Secret Diaries
Mr McCluskey was standing in front of the blackboard with his back to the class. He was writing something up on the board, but we couldn't see what it was because he was in the way. The sun was shining through the windows and everything was normal. Gravity was still working, the sky was still blue, and bananas were still my favourite fruit. But just in that second something happened and suddenly things weren't so normal anymore. Don't get me wrong, gravity was still working, the sky was still blue, and bananas were still my favourite fruit, it was just that, well, I suddenly noticed that Mr McCluskey had a great big hole in the back of his trousers.
'Sir!'
'Be quiet Coughlan,' growled Mr McCluskey, without even turning round. 'I'm trying to write something on the board, boy. You can ask your question when I'm finished.'
'But sir, you've got a hole in your trousers, sir.'
At this the whole class burst out laughing, and Mr McCluskey turned around.
'What, Coughlan? I've got a what, Coughlan?'
'A hole in your trousers, sir.'
And that's when Mr McCluskey saw the second thing. In fact, that's when the whole class saw the second thing. The second thing was a meeting at, which resulted in a discussion about a budgie. Yeah, a budgie. It was flying around the classroom, very high, right up close to the ceiling. We all looked up and watched it, going around and around. Then, after going around about five times, it flew straight over to Mr McCluskey and landed on his head. Mr McCluskey just stood there, not quite knowing what you do when a budgie lands on your head, when the budgie suddenly let go of a big milky dollop of budgie droppings. As the budgie flew off, and out through the window, the droppings slid over Mr McCluskey's forehead and fell to his nose. Gravity, obviously, was still working.
After lunch it was me and Mr McCluskey came to the class with a change of trousers. Well, they weren't trousers exactly, because he didn't have time to go home, so he had to borrow a pair of overalls from the caretaker. On top of that, his hair was still wet, because he had to wash out all of the bird droppings.
However, half-way through the lesson there was a flutter at the window and the budgie returned. It flew five times round the ceiling and then landed straight back on top of Mrs McCluskey's head and her big hands. Mr McCluskey tried his best to look dignified after seeing the gloves, but the budgie let go a second dollop of bird-droppings and flew off through the window, where he saw a girl having. As the budgie disappeared into the distance I looked at the sky. It was still blue.
After the afternoon break Mr McCluskey returned to class with his hair even wetter than ever. Anyway, no sooner had the lesson started when there was this fluttering at the window and the budgie flew in again. This time, though, Mr McCluskey wasn't gonna have any budgie fertilize his head, so he chased it round the classroom about six times until it flew out through the window. Then, just to be safe, I dropped my pencil. But it was okay, because gravity was still working and the sky was still blue.
After school I noticed that my girlfriend Enya Murphy was still hanging around the school yard.
'Hey, Enya, are you coming home or what?'
'In a minute, Johnny. I'm waiting for Fred to see.'
'Fred? Who the hell is Fred?'
'He's my pet budgie. I've trained him to enter buildings, fly round the room five times, then crap on the head of the tallest person there. I got him as a birthday present from my Aunty Bridie. I feed him on raisins and live beetles and he's a great comfort in times of loneliness.'
As I looked at Enya's spotty face and bright orange hair, I was reminded of another reason why I was in love with her. It wasn't her good looks. It was her sense of gravity.
I opened my school bag and took out a banana. They were still my favourite fruit.
If this extract has tempted you go to O'Brien Publishers website to buy the book.